How I fought my way out of depression and anxiety – My Story

This personal narrative of my battle through anxiety and depression is written from the perspective of sharing my story with as many people as possible in the hope of reaching out to those who may benefit from it. A similar story three years ago put me on a path to recovery, and if even a single individual can learn and get better from my experiences, my aim would be achieved.

We all have our share of anxiety, tensions and rough patches in life but they do not necessarily translate into a psychological issue. They may or may not compound the underlying problems.

As I understood, in my case most of the time it was the chemical imbalances in my brain that caused episodes of darkness and crippling anxiety. As per my simplified layman understanding, doctors do think genetic factors could have a role to play.

 Let me start with how it all began. I was living alone in Delhi, newly married settling down into a new life. I had decided to pick up where I had left. I joined a coaching for civil services exam and started off quite well.

But very soon – within months – there was a sudden dip in my moods and my outlook towards life in general. I gradually started developing sleeping and eating disorders. I tried everything within my power to change the situation and get back to the way I was, but failed.

At that point, I did not even have the faintest idea of what I was facing. But whatever it was, I kept it to myself and kept going somehow.

I decided to be brave about it and keep quiet about whatever was going on inside me. I did not talk about it to anyone in my family, not even my husband or parents, because I did not want anyone to worry about me

Googling my discomforts became an obsession. I spent a few hours every sleepless night reading up on my symptoms and what could be the cause behind them. What had initially started as a method of self-consolation, soon became chronic. I was utterly confused and lost. As time lapsed, a sort of syndrome developed. I found it difficult to breathe, had chest pains, nausea, numbness in limbs and giddiness. Fear and paranoia would grip me every few hours. It would happen anytime and anywhere without warning. I once blacked out on a metro station and stood unmoved. It took me a lot of courage to not make a sound about it. BUT was it courage? Is that adage about KEEPING CALM and CARRYING ON so important that one may choose to silently suffer instead?

In retrospect, the answer is: NO!

But I would still say that despite all odds the human spirit is indomitable.At one point I gave up everything– going out, visiting people, going to the market – for the fear of having one of those blackouts. Misery reinforced and perpetuated itself. All the while everything looked gloomy and dark. Nothing would give me happiness. Nights were even more difficult for they would reinforce the darkness in my head.The feeling of loneliness got stronger.

This went on for weeks and I barely had any sleep. Sunshine breaking out in the mornings made me feel slightly better but only momentarily. I’d spend my day thinking and worrying till my mind would get tired and shut off to sleep. There was no falling off to sleep – just shutting down.

I’d read on the Internet and then read some more. It didn’t seem to help much though, till then. Meanwhile, I had somehow figured out after matching my symptoms on various websites, that I had anxiety. ‘Panic attacks’ sounded exactly like what I was going through from time to time. But I was in denial. After all, I had never heard or met anyone who had anxiety! “It couldn’t happen to me”, I’d think aloud.

 So I spent my days researching my symptoms further, reading stories of people and rewinding. I was slowly moving towards realization. What genuinely helped me then, were the first hand accounts of people who had fought these symptoms through. And they became my motivation.

Anxiety/Depression was by then like writing on the wall that I was trying hard to ignore. I realized the truth and yet denied it. So even though I would read a lot on anxiety I was reluctant to apply what I read.

Research online is depressing, well mostly. More so, if you’re trying to find clear-cut solutions in life. I reckon even doctors cannot prescribe those. Most accounts I came across online presented a gloomy picture and that scared me to the core.

But then, there were stories of personal battles, of victory, of never accepting defeat, of braving any storm, of coming out of the dark tunnel. I focused on just those. They were my only glimmer of hope and they kept me afloat during a very difficult time.

It helped that my brother and our pet lived right across the street from me. At any ungodly hour I'd knock at his door, breathless with a wallet in my hand, ambulance details and what not. I was convinced that I was dying (still don’t know how) and my aim would be to convince him too. I feared he’d take my symptoms lightly. Such was my insecurity.

Once I even got to a hospital at 4 am complaining of palpitation and chest pains.Yes, it was a panic attack but since I was in denial, I  wanted to attach my symptoms with more relatable or heard of ailments.

I despised my helpless self and finally decided to try doctors and medicines as a reasonable course of action, even though I was fully convinced that my illness was physiological and not psychological. Based on my symptoms, I chose to go to a cardiologist (just imagine).

I tried one doctor after another and got all the tests done. All cardiologists I consulted outright denied that I had any cardiac issues. Still in disbelief, I kept changing doctors.

One day my doctor was on leave and I was referred to another cardiologist. He patiently listened to me. My whole story – the long version of it.

He went through all my reports and very gently told me how he had seen many such cases among the younger lot, mostly in their career building phases. Such was his confidence and empathy that I was compelled to trust his words.

ANXIETY as the cause was finally sealed!

Once I knew what the problem was, I got after Anxiety with all I had. I started with a reputed psychiatrist but alas, the suffering had to go on.

The doctor had no interest in what I was saying and the session was disappointing. But I came back with a prescription.

In my pursuit to get better and to feel some happiness again I went with his advice and loaded my system with pills. All I could feel or see was fog. I could do nothing but lie down or sleep. I followed the regimen for a week but it only made me feel worse.

Desperation and frustration took hold of me and I relapsed into thinking I'd never know happiness or joy again.

After a week of living in fog, lying on bed and my brain functions reduced to nothing, I decided I had to stop whatever medicines I was having. And I did.

I never went back to that doctor and in the meantime, as research oriented as I had become, I decided to keep reading stories of people in the hope of finding one story that resembled mine.

And then it happened – I came across a blog that instantly clicked. The writer sounded just like me. The issues were the same. I could connect with everything she was saying. Everything! It was as if I was writing all of that.The author of the blog had mentioned a book and I instantly read it.

I'm not suggesting here in any way that one may follow the exact same path I followed. I was just following my gut desperately trying to find a solution. And I did whatever seemed right to me at that point.

Reading and reflecting a bit more, I looked inwards. In my heart I knew the fear that was working as an umbrella for all other insecurities was my fear of ‘Mortality’. My subconscious had stacked everything under the 'Ego'/'I' and 'Existence' and had put a big question mark on them.

I needed to get to my fears, to understand and solve them or at least find a workable solution back to being a functional/normal person again.

The book I read guided me in a way any good counselor would.

It is important to mention that I never went to any counseling session as I had developed a deep distrust for such measures. I had lost my faith in the usually recommended courses of action. I don’t know why, but I just trusted myself more at that point.

I was determined that only I could find a solution for myself. Well, this approach may not have been appropriate as by then I had family and support. But something was still amiss. Those who have been/are there would know what that means.

 I was on a distant lonely island or at least I felt like it. Family came in support after an initial phase of denial. They were trying to be of help but had no clue what to do. Family does suffer with you and that makes it all the more worse.

I looked inwards, reflected a lot and talked to myself a lot. Cut anything and everything that was potentially negative. Living each day, mindfully aware of small joys of life became my life goal. The book and people’s experiences inspired me to do this.

I took life one day at a time and tried spending it as happily as I could. I diverted my focus from the negatives that somehow always caught my attention first, gradually learning to address my fears and insecurities.

I decided to head home and spend time with family, and it worked wonders. Meanwhile the panic attacks continued. Only now, I was more equipped to deal with them.

A time came when I could just sit through a panic attack calmly minus any thoughts of collapsing any second and dying. Parents took me to the family doctor. I presented a slight resistance but gave in.

The Turnaround – the doctor understood my psyche after listening to me at length. He took the pains of explaining to me exactly what was going on. He even shared a medical presentation on the same subject. Every word he spoke made sense to me.

I was prescribed just one medicine, an anti depressant! He prescribed anti-anxiolytics too but advised me to use them sparingly. And I did the same.

I questioned the idea of an anti depressant as I thought I just had anxiety. But the doctor believed it was all just a ramification of depression, which was the core issue. I put my skepticism aside and decided to trust him on that. And it worked!

The course of medication (anti-depressant) went on for more than two and a half years. I mostly tried to manage panic attacks and took an anti-anxiety pill only if I thought I really needed to.

Within six months of starting the medication my panic attacks significantly reduced.

I spent most of my time in pursuits that made me happy and consciously stayed with my parents & later joined my husband on a distant field posting. I did that not just to heal but because it gave me true happiness! My symptoms gradually started to fade away.

Cut To Today – I went off medication in March this year. I think it’s very important to phase out the drugs off your system, very gradually as there are chances of strong withdrawal symptoms. Please listen to your doctor on this.

Finally, I have been successfully off any medication since past five months. There were  a few mild episodes of anxiety/panic attacks that I managed on my own. Even though the darkness lurks around I know that I will ward it off.

I can say that my road to getting better was a combination of many things. Understanding and support are as important as finding the right doctor and proper medication. But what is even more important is self belief. You see that sliver of light? Yes, it exists amidst all darkness. Keep walking towards it. And never give up believing in yourself ever! I tried to do just that.

From hereon, I intend to carry on with positivity and keep looking at the bright side of things.That may not always happen but I still make a conscious effort.

Writing Sample

(THIS PIECE, ORIGINALLY WRITTEN AS AN ACADEMIC PAPER IS THE SOLE PROPERTY OF THE AUTHOR AND IS MEANT AS A WRITING SAMPLE ONLY.)

 CITIZENSHIP AND GROUP DIFFERENCE

This essay looks into the notion of a universal citizenship granted in a liberal democratic and multicultural society.  It aims to unravel the extent to which institutions in such a society are able to impart justice and equality to all its citizens universally. Universal citizenship is by far the most widely accepted ideal of democratic nation states of the twentieth century. Though it is fairly possible for a state to not be liberal and still be democratic or vice-versa but the essay limits its scope to a liberal democratic state like India. When such a state brings into practice the ideal of universal rights, complications occur in the notion of universal equality especially in a multicultural stratified society like that of India. The basic reason behind this anomaly is that diversity and differences often come together with inequality. The main questions that this essay tries to answer are: A). How and when does difference bring along Inequality?  B.) What are the demands of Group Difference? C).Is affirmative action justified?

Before going further ahead it is an imperative to understand the undiluted notion of ‘Citizenship’, as it evolved and as it is held today. The Citizen  in Greek ‘Polites’ is defined as a member of Athenian ‘Polis’ or Roman ‘Respublica’ and is recognized as a form of human association. The classical ideal of a citizen was that of the human as a cognitive, moral, social, intellectual and political being. Aristotle further added to it that the human being cognitive, active and purposive could be fully human if he ruled himself." [J.G.A Pocock, pp. 29-33]. The individual thus became a citizen and the word ‘Citizen’ diverged increasingly from its Aristotelian version. It came to mean someone free by the act of law, free to ask and expect the law's protection, a citizen of such and such standing in the political community [cf. Pocock, p.36]. It has now transformed into a status that further confers on people a kind of legal status carrying with it rights to certain things viz. possessions, immunities as well as certain expectations. Today, the status of a citizen denotes a membership in a community of shared common law. The ideal of a citizen as a social being involved in social actions and much more than that,  it's a result of innumerable incidents that took place gradually over a couple of millennia since Plato and Aristotle. To mention the biggest revolution of the modern world-the French revolution; it was an affirmation of an active citizenship and its classical virtue i.e. The Declaration of Rights of a Man. When Aristotle defined man as truly political animal in politics, he also assumed that political discussion was an exercise in the rational choice for the public good and that the only people fit for such an exercise were those capable of rational choice.  Thus, from its very inception, citizenship has been an 'exclusionary' category, justifying the coercive rule of inclusion of some over the exclusion of others. Thinkers like Michael Ignatieff point to the myth in the conception of citizenship and maintain that it has sustained itself through time. Whereas, others such as George Armstrong Kelly uphold the demise of the concept of the State in the twentieth century as the factor responsible for the problematic nature of Citizenship in today's Democracy. According to him this demise was brought about by factors such as a revulsion against the notion of the state which emerged from the brutalization of people by the state action during the two world wars, the idealism associated with the 'State’ getting dispelled upon an empirical analysis and lastly, the development of such theories as the Marxist theory and on the other hand, that of the liberal theory that aided in the development of profit making corporations. [cf. Kelly, pp.79-80].

It would be apt to say at this point that political concepts are never static but undergo several modifications. So much so that they often get so stretched out and diluted that their definitions come on the brink of extinction.

 In today's era of globalization every developed and developing country is experiencing an influx of population from other states. These states besides having their own pluralistic societies have to make space for these additional groups that have acquired the state's citizenship through naturalization.  The pluralistic canvas of such societies keeps getting bigger and this simultaneously creates pressure on the existing principles of citizenship to make further space for everyone in the society…… 

Short Story

                                                                                                                     THE MEETING

                                                                

“The very first time I saw you, I fell in love and you smiled because you knew.” – Shakespeare                                                                                                                                                                                         

It was a warm sunny afternoon and Iti could feel the droplets of sweat on her forehead and neck. She wiped them again and again with the many paper napkins she was carrying in her purse. It was no good because the  paper would just dissolve and its tiny pieces would get stuck on her face. Though she usually did not much care to look very good but she wanted to look her best for the meeting. She felt a relief when the autorickshaw moved and the smoke and dust of the traffic all of a sudden melted into a rare momentary breeze. She had always loved the green that lines the South Delhi roads but today all she could think of, was him. She was meeting R after five years. A lot had changed since they met last time.

Slightly nervous she could feel her heart throbbing, palms sweating profusely. She  tossed her hair that was nagging her in the eyes ending up smudging her eye liner. “Who cares?”, she would have said, had somebody told her about the smudged black kohl on her eye lids. Her mind was racing back and forth in time. She was trying to recall the first time they met as well as the last one. In that same instant she tried picturing R’s face. She tried hard but she to imagine the particular facial features but could not. All she could do was imagine this blurred image of him. And she had always carried that in her mind. This is the irony of love! Just like something that you feel, you know from the bottom of your heart but fail to put it in words when needed. That image that you love the most in this world; which is etched in your heart, mind and soul is all but a blur.

The autorickshaw stopped outside the India Habitat Center. Iti got down and took hurried steps towards the grand building, looking at her watch again and again, just to make sure that she was not late. She had been an art lover and had fallen in love with the IHC the very first time she saw it. Her first year of college that was.

She climbed the stairs running and stopped near the entrance in an anticipation of finding R thinking he would have already reached. He wasn’t there. He would never let Iti wait. Memories take over again as she walks further inside and settles on stony seats near the entrance.

The first time they met through the college society. R was the secretary of the dramatics society. And iti was just a fresher who was auditioning. From the very first time their eyes met she had felt that she had always known him. It had been almost impossible for her to compose herself throughout that audition and she was gutted on her poor show and thought she would never make it. R had told her later that she was unique among the lot and one of the strongest people to audition for that role.

Her vibrating cellphone broke the train of thoughts all of a sudden. It was a message from R. It said that R would be late. Iti decides to walk in and sit at their usual spot in the restaurant. She fiddled with her phone for a while. After that she looked up and observed the people around. Looked at her watch again. She had been waiting for R for a full hour and fifteen minutes. She looked towards the restaurant entrance as if trying to assure herself that he would be there any minute.

Something did not feel right. The R she knew would never message. He always called her. She could not recall a time when he got late or she actually got anywhere before him. Memories kept flowing in and out of her head. Deep down she knew she had to go through this and wait.

A hope still lingered in her heart. Her hands constantly clutched the phone. Her heart sank further with every passing minute. Tears begin to well up in her eyes. All this was so strange she thought. She hadn’t seen him in five years and it was alright or maybe she just thought so.

Just then, her phone rings. It is an unknown number she picks up. It was someone from R’s office, a colleague probably who was calling to apologize for R who had to rush as an urgent personal matter had come up. This was the strangest thing that had ever happened between them. Even more strange than when they had decided to not see each other five years ago!

This made her realize that R had just backed out on her. But she had decided to go full circle this time she was not ready to let the matter be and hang in the middle of nowhere for another five years of her life. Full circle it was. She got up from her seat walked out of the building. She kept walking on the road for some distance till she found a quiet corner. She gathered courage and composed herself to drop one final voicemail. This was to be the uneventful end to a journey that had once been commenced by two people as a journey of a lifetime. A lot of love stories are like that! Aren’t they?

To her surprise Iti felt relieved as she walked away towards lights on the main road. Her face had the look of an impending liberation. A chain was broken, a closure reached, a mental block shifted aside, inertia quelled! This is how powerful truth it! And just like that in an inconspicuous moment, a girl got herself back.

Iti hailed a cab, rolled down the window glass and smiled as she looked out at the endless fleet of automobiles passing her by. The green trees looked refreshing and the skyline that had been tinted orange by the halogen street lights looked zesty again. She had always loved the sky!

SOUL SYMPHONY

                                           

SOUL SYMPHONY

A temple bell rings,

A feathered wonder to a Babul clings,

A gust of wind knocks on the iron fence,

Like a wind chime in a forest dense.

The sunshine talks in a gentle note,

Setting the Neem leaves aglow.

A distant sound of an engine revving,

Falls on ears like odd drumbeats!

A moment’s break -

Somewhere near lingers a messenger in poise,

Unaware of its audience or any devise.

The flowers have withered and the grass dry

A yellow footed flap wing trots, camouflaged!

The sunshine ever conversant

The wind, its steady companion; soft at times and at times loud

 In the backdrop of clear skies and the cottony clouds

The wind rattles the thorny bushes

And like a percussion device it gushes.

To this tune the nature abides,

In rapture, a tiny heart glides.

All the sounds mine to see, with closed eyes

Listening to nature’s heartbeat, one lies.

One need not see the magic of hearts

When the soul dances in temporal ramparts

Aren’t we one?

The birds, the trees, the sand

The mighty sun and I

So I lay thinking, as the wind sings by.